November 25, 2008
▶ Family, Faith ... and Fat?
Frustrated American dieters seek spiritual support.

November 11, 2008
▶ Sex, Dating & Catholicism
Honest answers for young adults' frank questions.

October 27, 2008
▶ Understanding Natural Family Planning
Why religious and non-religious couples are using NFP.

October 13, 2008
▶ Prayer in Pen
Why writing in my journal keeps me between the lines.

September 21, 2008
▶ Wedding Bell Blues
Juggling a lot of weddings? Here's how to stay perky.

September 8, 2008
▶ Dealing with a Loved One Who's Depressed
More on depression and relationships.

August 4, 2008
▶ Depression Hurts
A letter from a reader raises questions about relationships and depression.

July 22, 2008
▶ Recessions & Relationships<
Navigating your relationship during a recession In the last year, I've gotten married and moved to Iowa--and I've become a lot more aware of the fine line most American families walk to stay in the black, why the price of gas matters and how difficult it is to talk about finances, even in an otherwise strong relationship.

July 7, 2008
▶ Declare Your Financial Independence
This weekend, we celebrated our nation's independence with fireworks and cook-outs. But according to a recent Busted Halo survey, young adults are struggling for an even more personal kind of independence this summer -- financial independence.

June 23, 2008
▶ After the Flood
In this column, I write a lot about dating and marriage relationships--but there's another equally important type of relationship that gets a lot less publicity: community relationships and the power of neighbors and friends to lend a helping hand in times of trouble.

June 10, 2008
▶ Wives, Obey Your Husbands?
As someone who studies the family and relationships, I usually look forward to the discussion of these big, important issues in the liturgy. At one church I attended during childhood summers, fathers would be recognized on Father's Day by standing up and receiving applause. At another church, I remember mothers receiving a special blessing on Mother's Day. And on the feast of the Holy Family, usually the Sunday after Christmas, the readings always caught my attention.

May 27, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Are You Financially Unfaithful in Your Relationship/Marriage?
When you think of money, what words pop into your mind? Power? Freedom? Security? Debt? Money isn't something we usually talk about-not even (and sometimes especially not) with our spouses or significant others. But if money is power then it can play an important -- and often corrosive -- role in our relationships.

May 5, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Men DO Want to Marry Their Mothers
If the old saying is true that men want to marry a woman like their mother, then this Mother's Day, let's thank moms for leading the way toward gender equality for a younger generation.

April 14, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Stop Looking for Your Soul Mate!
"He should be your husband, not your everything."

March 31, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Blind Date!
It only has to work once. That's what I told myself after every bad date in my 20s.

March 17, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Is Lying a Way of Life for Women?
For three months I lied to my husband. I snuck around behind his back and I emailed and talked on the phone with first one -- then up to a dozen -- different men. I had more than 200 emails secreted away in a folder. When my husband would come into the room, I'd snap my computer shut, or click on a different screen quickly, so he wouldn't see what I was doing. By the end, nearly every other sentence I uttered was a lie. And even though I was so nervous and jittery, my husband didn't suspect a thing.

March 3, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Box, Wine and Love Letter
In the living room of my next-door neighbors' house is a wooden crate. It's nothing fancy, just pieces of plywood nailed together, but Kim and Matt keep the box in a place of honor by the fireplace as a constant reminder of their commitment to each other.

February 18, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Generational Differences
Do you believe that your spouse should be your soul mate first and foremost? Do you agree that marriage should be whatever two people want it to be? Do you believe that living together decreases the chances of divorce? Depending on your age, you'll probably have very different answers to these questions.

February 4, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Men, women and sports
But the SuperBowl is just one night celebrating one sport. How do you feel about the intersection between your team spirit and your relationships during the regular season?

January 21, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Third Wheel
Anita, 26, had two close friends in college. These were the girls she could always call for a chat, who would be interested in planning a fun trip, going shopping, or confiding secrets. But a few years after college, both women got married--and Anita felt left out in the cold.

January 7, 2008
Pure Sex, Pure Love: A New Approach to New Year's Resolutions
Did you make some New Year's resolutions this year? If so, you're in the minority: A 2005 study found that only 45% of Americans make New Year's resolutions.

December 17, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Fattily Ever After
Call it the"honeymoon handles" or "love blubber": New studies find that newlyweds are more likely to report weight-gain than those who stay single.

November 19, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The Florist's Daughter
As the saying goes, a son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life.

October 23, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Slutoween
Ladies, it's that time of year to let out your inner vixen and to live out your fantasies of being a naughty nun. Guys, it's your time to sit back and gawk. It's Slutoween.

October 15, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The Challenges of Long-Distance Relationships
A few months ago I received a letter from Jeff Klein, a 32-year-old BustedHalo reader. He'd recently begun dating someone who lived seven hours away. Was it feasible to have a relationship? They both led busy, professional lives and had active social lives in their respective cities. What was my advice, Jeff asked. Was a long-distance relationship a good idea?

October 1, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: A Moral Theologian Answers Questions on Sin, Sex and the Sacraments
In the last column, I shared a letter I'd received from Laura, a 20-year-old reader struggling with her decision to have sex before marriage. She raised all sorts of good questions, including: Are all sins created equal? Is sex before marriage as bad as murder? Along with the help of moral theologian Fr. Dick Sparks, I answered her questions. But as with any good question, there's never a simple answer, and more questions always follow. Readers wrote in with their questions on sin, sex and the sacraments and Rev. Sparks--a Paulist priest and widely published author who holds a Ph.D. in ethics from Catholic University of America--stepped up to the plate again.

September 17, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Sin, Sex and the Sacraments: A Candid Discussion
When Laura was 13 she took a vow to remain chaste until marriage. She is a pretty good Catholic: She attends Mass regularly and is thoughtful about acting in accordance with the Church's teachings. For years, she kept her vow not to have sex before marriage--even when men tried to convince her otherwise: A few years ago a boyfriend left her because she refused to have sex with him. Looking back, she doesn't regret that decision--she was too young, and he wasn't right for her. But now Laura is 20--and is seriously dating a man whom she loves. A few days ago, they had sex. She is conscious of the vow of chastity she took as a young teenager, and she's wrestling with her decision to have sex before marriage. Here's part of the letter Laura wrote me this week.

September 3, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: X-Games II: Should You Invite Your Ex to Your Wedding?
00 In my last column, I asked the question: Can you be friends with your ex? Dozens of you shared your personal experiences and took our BustedHalo survey. Among BustedHalo respondents, 67% said after breaking up with someone whom you cared about deeply, it was best to take a break for six months and give yourself some time to heal; then, you can get back in touch if you can. But what happens down the line?

August 20, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: X-Games
Alysa and her boyfriend had been dating for nearly two years, and then broke up. The breakup was amicable, but painful for Alysa, who still loved her ex boyfriend very much. "There have been some REALLY difficult moments for me and am sometimes a little hurt to see that he has been able to deal with it so well," she said. During the relationship, the two were best friends. "He was the person I shared with the most about life and faith," she said. Even after ending their romantic relationship, the two still shared a lot: They attend the same prayer group, they often spoke on the phone and kept in touch via email. But it became awkward to negotiate the difference between "more than friends" and "just friends"--and Alysa's emotions were getting rubbed raw. "There are times when I still find myself having feelings for him, despite knowing that it was the best thing for both of us to break up, and I'm not sure whether that's getting in the way of our good intentions to remain close friends." Should she ask him for a complete break -- no more phone conversations or text messages for a few months so she could have space and grieve for the past privately? Or would that ruin their friendship? Can you expect it to be easy to go from a close, intimate relationship to just being "best buddies," she wondered? And if so, how close should that friendship be?

July 23, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde: The Challenges of Cohabitation
Bonnie is in her early 30s and her boyfriend, let's call him Clyde, is in his late 30s. They've been dating for more than three years and have lived together for the past year. Even though the two share the rent, make plans for the future and have joined their lives in a very intimate way, there's been no discussion of marriage.

June 18, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The Misery of Misandry: Are Men Inferior to Women?
As our June 16 wedding day approached, my fiance got a lot of advice from married coworkers and friends about how to navigate his future relationship. It boiled down to two similar messages: "Do whatever she says" and "She's always right." He smiled and nodded at these bits of "wisdom" but with a few weeks to go before we took our vows, he told me he was getting a little concerned. Was I going to change into some sort of bossy she-monster after our wedding day? Was he signing up for a life-sentence of being wrong and apologizing?

June 4, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The National Catholic Singles Conference
In just a few weeks, more than 500 Catholic singles will head to San Diego, California for a weekend of panel discussions, socializing and prayer about the vocation of singles and the search for a perfect match. What happens at a single's conference and why is it so popular? According to one of this year's conference organizers, Michele Fleming, director of the Office for Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of San Diego, it's an opportunity for Catholic singles to learn how they fit into the church community--and to meet other like minded friends.

May 21, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: What Makes a Date? What Makes it Great?
According to our recent BustedHalo survey, respondents said they went on their first date, on average, at age 16. But what if you're in your college years and beyond and haven't had a meaningful relationship experience? You're worried that you don't know the "rules" or that you'll make a rookie mistake. Often it's the simple things that trip us up in the world of love and dating, especially for young adults who get into the dating game a bit later. Here are some basics - and no matter how old you are, or how many dates you've had, it never hurts to remember where things begin.

May 7, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Do you lie about what you do on a first date?
According to a Harris Interactive poll I commissioned for my book, Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women, 32% of single high-achieving women and half of high-achieving single men report that they tend to minimize their career or educational success in conversation when they first meet someone they might be interested in dating. Why?

April 23, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: A Catholic Engaged Encounter Weekend
If I could offer one piece of advice to a Catholic couple preparing for marriage it would be this: Sign up for a Catholic Engaged Encounter weekend right now.

April 10, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Kiss and Run
We've all heard about men who are "afraid of commitment." Self-help books warn women away from these men, saying that these guys will break a girl's heart. But women are often terrified of commitment, too.

March 26, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Help! It's not just another four-letter word
Asking for help--and learning to accept it as a gift--may be one of the biggest challenges in a relationship with a significant other, spouse and even with God.

February 14, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Single Today? Cupid takes aim for later marriage
Those of you who are moping around this Valentine's Day, jealously eyeing happy couples, should relax. The sappy pink-and-red hearts in all the drug store windows may make you lose hope that you'll ever find a partner, but the facts tell a different story: Cupid is still alive and well, no matter where you live.

February 5, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure (Unrequited) Love: When the one you love doesn't feel the same
It's the subject of great literature from Don Quixote to The Great Gatsby. It's the emotions behind ballads from the Eagles to Coldplay. Unrequited love is a love that isn't reciprocated--and it's something that most of us have experienced.

January 22, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: What women and men look for in a spouse has changed drastically in the last 60 years
Since the 1930s, researchers have been asking men and women what they want in a spouse. And my, how times have changed. Here's a round-up of national preferences. Where do you stand?

January 8, 2007
Pure Sex, Pure Love: 10 New Years Tips for Meeting that Special Someone in 2007
You've made your New Year's Resolution list. But as I've spoken with young-adults, I noticed something interesting: Very few of us will say explicitly that we hope this is the year that we meet our life partners, that this is the year that God brings that special person into our lives. Yet to meet the right person and begin to build a life together is what dozens of you email me about each week.

December 18, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Home for the Holidays -- A Survival Guide for Couples
Joining to your significant other's family can be fraught with all sorts of dramas. Here's a few tips that I've compiled through my research and interviews--use it as a guide to navigating the pitfalls of the "home for the holidays" season.

December 4, 2006
The Bad News About Unwed Mothers
Keisha Castle-Hughes, the 16-year-old unmarried actress who plays the Virgin Mary in the new movie, The Nativity Story, is pregnant by her 19-year-old boyfriend... While talk shows and entertainment magazines focus on Ms. Castle-Hughes and her ever-growing belly, we're ignoring the real story: More American children are being born to unmarried mothers, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tell us. Don't let anyone convince you this is not bad news.

November 8, 2006
Too busy for God?
We don't 'need' God when things are good, so we stop reaching out. But, the problem with that habit, she said, is that it is often grounded in our perception of God as 'the vending machine God,' a God who is just there to give us blessings when we ask for them, and otherwise something we can walk past and ignore when we don't need something in particular.

October 23, 2006
Slicing the pie too thin? How important is shared faith for high-achievers searching for love?
Shiena is an East Indian anesthesiology resident in New York City. Her parents want her to marry an Indian man for cultural and religious reasons. Instead, she's been dating an Italian Catholic bodybuilder for the last two years. But since he's not Hindu, she hasn't yet told her parents about the relationship, even though the pair is practically inseparable. "Every slice narrows the pie. Education, race, religion--it's a small pool," she said.

September 25, 2006
Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women: An excerpt from our "Pure Sex, Pure Love" columnist Christine Whelan's forthcoming book.
It gives me great joy that BustedHalo purchased the first online publication rights to my book, Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women, which will be available in bookstores nationwide on October 17. Below is the introduction and segments of the first few chapters to give you a sample of what's in the book--and why you should read it!

September 11, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Money Matters
You'd be amazed by how many couples would prefer to debate over throw pillows rather than talk about the big--and potentially contentious--issues: How many children would you like to have? How will faith be integrated into your family life? What are each spouse's future goals and dreams? And, of course, finances.

August 28, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Bridezilla is Born: How fine china and fluffy towels turned me into a monster
My maid of honor stopped me mid-tirade one day, plunked me down on one of the pre-made display beds and reminded me that I was getting married, not becoming a different person. And I (finally) had a moment of clarity: The wedding registry is a blast from the past where engagement was a training ground for young women on how to make good choices in the home, how to keep house and how to be a proper lady.

August 14, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Do's and Don'ts: How to Avoid Jealousy in Your "Opposite Sex" Friendships
According to our recent survey, 79% of BustedHalo respondents said they have gotten jealous about their significant other's friendship with someone of the opposite sex -- and the biggest reason for jealousy is when you think that your significant other or spouse is emotionally closer to their friend than they are to you.

July 31, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Can a guy and a girl be 'just friends'?
Opposite-sex friendships are great, and can be completely uncomplicated. Or they can get you into a whole heap of trouble.

July 26, 2006
Have I Sinned? Do I have to go to confession for attending Madonna's Confessions tour?
When Madonna's Confession's Tour came to New York City last week, I was one of the screaming fans in a jam-packed Madison Square Garden. I've wanted to go to Madonna concert since 1994 when my father forbid me to attend her Bedtime Stories tour. Now I feel like it's time for me to make some confessions.

July 17, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The Handbag Problem A.K.A. Advice on How To Be a Great "Date"
Forty-two percent of women and 33% of men said they attend parties as "the date" at least once a month -- and it's not always fun. Liz, 21, said that the hardest part about being "the date" is that the topic of conversation revolves totally around the other person, and Kate, 34 said she found it hard to "not have an identity other than the role I'm playing" for the evening. Kevin, 25, bemoans the "forced conversation" and RPB confesses that he's "terrible with names."

July 5, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Rules of Engagement
Dear BustedHalo readers, your dating and relationship guru is getting married!!

June 19, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The "Arguments" for Premarital Sex... and the down-to-earth responses you should know
I gave a talk recently on sex and dating to a group of Catholic 15- and 16-year-olds in New York City. I was really surprised to learn that the majority of my teenaged audience was already sexually active. While not all of the kids were actually having intercourse, all but a few were sexually knowledgeable and believed that sex was a necessary part of a dating relationship. As one boy put it, "if we're not 'doing it,' then we're just friends."
It was when we got to the topic of peer pressure and self-respect that the teens really got interested. As a group we discussed some of the classic "arguments" in favor of premarital sex -- and down-to-earth responses that you need to know to help you preserve your own personal beliefs. "Everyone" is having premarital sex, said the teenagers. And really, what difference does getting married make, anyway? It's sad that 15-year-olds need to learn these arguments to protect themselves against peer pressure to have sex -- but it doesn't get any easier for young-adults. With that in mind, I wanted to share an abbreviated version of this talk with the BustedHalo community, and offer a few responses to common peer pressure that might help you personally, or help you advise a friend.

June 5, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Catholic Do's and Don'ts - A Guide for Wedding Guests
The wedding season is upon us and BustedHalo readers have written in with great questions about religious protocol as we celebrate our friends' marriages. Does attending a Saturday evening wedding at church of another Christian denomination "count" as going to church for the week-or do you have to go again the next day at a Catholic church? Can you take communion at a non-Catholic wedding? And do you participate in the blessings and rituals of other faiths?

May 22, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Can a celibate clergy really give good advice to young adults about relationships and sexuality?
Since I began writing this column, scores of readers have emailed me asking for personal advice. I always offer whatever thoughts I can, and usually end letters by recommending that they speak with their priest or someone else within their church community for more detailed and ongoing advice. Along the way, I began to wonder about this. Can a celibate clergy really give good advice to young-adults about relationships and sexuality?

May 8, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Marriage and Holy Orders: An Anglican Wedding Prompts Questions for Catholics
On the Friday after Easter I attended the wedding of my friends Andrea and Simon in Oxford, England. Andrea and Simon are both studying to be vicars, so they have many friends and teachers within the Anglican Church. In fact, there were more than 150 priests in attendance on that Friday afternoon as the couple took the sacrament of holy marriage in a nuptial mass, and Andrea's father, a reverend, officiated.
The Catholic Church has a long way to go before we'd see a similar wedding in our Church, but it was so high-church (lots of incense, formal hymns, etc.) I could envision it. It made me reconsider the importance of talking about marriage and Holy Orders as sacraments that might one day be considered complementary within our own faith.

April 24, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Updating the Best of Pure Sex, Pure Love's First Year
In the spirit of offering Pure Sex, Pure Love readers the most current and accurate information, I'm here with an update on the most popular topics of the last year.

March 20, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Impure Thoughts: What Are They and Where Do They Come From?
The Bible tells us "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 26:7) and the Buddha is quoted as saying, "What we think, we become." Our minds are powerful tools, so it's fair to ask the question: what counts as an impure thought? Why are these thoughts wrong? And isn't just thinking it better than doing it?

March 6, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Give of Yourself this Lent... and strengthen your relationships at the same time
At age 16, I told my father I was giving up going to church for Lent. At 19, I told him I was giving up my virginity for Lent. In the end, I was never that rebellious: I usually gave up chocolate, but it was a whole lot of fun to torment my ever-patient father.
It wasn't until recently that I realized you don't have to give up something for Lent. The Lenten period is a time where we prepare to remember Christ's death and celebrate his resurrection to new life. We're supposed to think about the ways we can strengthen our faith and help others as God comes to give us a second chance.

February 21, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: How Churches Can Help Young Catholics Find Their Match
There's no formula for love. But there are certainly things we can do to improve our chances of meeting our match--and many ways that churches can help.

February 6, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The Many Languages of Love
A few weeks ago Pope Benedict delivered his first encyclical--a papal letter to the universal Church--entitled Deus Caritas Est (God is Love).
OK, so he probably wasn't talking about Whitman's-Sampler-in-a-heart-shaped-box kind of Valentine's Day love, but bear with me: There are many languages of love.
Our faith tells us that the longing we feel for love--from our family, our spouse, and our friends--is, at core, a longing for God's love. Why can we never be satisfied with the gifts of love that special someone gives us? Because they are human, and we're searching for a greater love.

January 23, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The M-Bomb
Conventional wisdom has it that a woman, ever-obsessed with getting married, starts pairing her first name with his last name before the end of date #1 -- and will be the one to bring up the initial suggestion of marriage as a hope for the future. The first part is true: Rare is the woman who hasn't (at least once) started plotting the romantic fairytale ending of a relationship in her head before the end of the first act. But my research finds that the second part is false: If the relationship is moving in that direction, it's men, not women, who will bring up that first, tentative conversation about marriage.

January 9, 2006
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Turn Your Cablight On
Certain religions seem to be more interested in helping young adults date within their faith. Every synagogue seems to have a matchmaker. For those in the Mormon faith, every big city has a church dedicated to bringing singles together. But Catholics don't seem to do as much of this sort of thing. I spoke with Jewish dating expert Nancy Slotnick recently about how her advice and personal experiences within the New York Jewish dating community can apply to young Catholics. Her new book, Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less, captures her years of experience in the matchmaking business and tells women how to make sure they are sending the right signals.

December 12, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: When Words Get in the Way
"Communication is the most important thing in a relationship." How many times have you heard that? And for all the lip-service we pay to the benefits of great communication with the one you love, it's one of the hardest things to do. People have different styles of expressing themselves: Some show they care by talking, others by writing and still others by a hug or a gentle caress. And when two people have different styles of communication, there's a lot of room for misunderstandings.

November 28, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: 'Tis the Season: How to Survive the Holidays
Welcome to the holiday season. You've been eating turkey sandwiches for a few days now, there are Christmas decorations in every storefront window and the holiday party Evites are popping into your mailbox. It's a season for love and friendship, family and fun. But what can you do if you're not hearing those sleigh bells ringing and Christmas music makes you cry?

November 2, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: This Thing Called Love
The phrase "being in love" is so broad that we often get confused: The love that my boyfriend and I are experiencing is very different than the love my parents share after 34 years of marriage. As young adults, we're just at the beginning of our exploration of romantic love.

October 17, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Warning--Quizzes in Women's Magazines May Be Harmful to Your Relationship
Do you enjoy having houseplants, but your boyfriend thinks they should be kept outside? Does she prefer subtitles at foreign films, but you prefer dubbed voices? And do you like a living room with wall-to-wall carpeting, but he prefers wood floors? According to a personal compatibility quiz in the fall issue of Tango, a new magazine about relationships, if you and your significant other disagree on a few of these trivial items, the verdict isn't good: "Sorry, you two just don't seem to be compatible," the magazine reports.

October 3, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Changing in Faith...Together?
In our last BustedHalo poll, we asked how you would handle it if your spouse became significantly more or less religious. That question seems to have hit a nerve--and I'm not surprised. As young adults growing into our faith, we are still exploring and changing. Sometimes that means that we will grow closer to God or evolve in our understanding of how we should be living our faith in our everyday lives.

September 19, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: The L-Word
In the midst of a full-on argument with my college boyfriend, I told him I loved him for the first time. He'd been shouting, I'd been crying and yelling, and in trying to explain why I was so upset, I unintentionally blurted out the L-word, bringing the whole fight to a halt.
It's three little words. I love you. Yet it reduces the most confident among us to sputtering, the most secure among us to paranoia. While I wouldn't recommend confessing your love for the first time with mascara all over your face and a ball of wet tissues in your clenched fist, there's not a whole lot of guidance about this early stage of romance.

September 6, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Facts and Feelings: Why Getting to Know Someone Takes Time--Not Just a Background Search
In .2 seconds I can do a Google search on anyone. For some people, long lists of hits appear. For others, it'll just be genealogies of random unrelated folks who share the same name and posted a family website. But it always turns up something.
Googling potential dates or new love interests has become commonplace. It's fun, informative and a great way to procrastinate. But it underscores the fact that we want to know everything we can about someone in the most efficient way possible. While this is good in the business world, it can cause problems in your personal life. I offer this cautionary tale.

August 22, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: How Far Is Too Far?
Dozens of you responded to our most recent Pure Sex, Pure Love survey about sexual intimacy before marriage--and expressed diverse opinions. Some readers said kissing, handholding and hugging are the only acceptable forms of intimacy before marriage. Other readers said anything short of intercourse is acceptable within a committed relationship. According to the Church, sex should be reserved for marriage. It's a rule, and as rules go, it's pretty black and white. But what is "sex"--and where is the line between acceptable physical intimacy before marriage and out-of-bounds sin? Is making out OK? Clothes off? Oral sex?

July 11, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Let's Talk About Sex
C.S. Lewis wrote that chastity is the most unpopular of Christian virtues. Yet apparently, we like to talk about it: Dozens of you responded to our BustedHalo survey about premarital sex ... and had a lot to say. This column will be the first in a series about sex. Nearly 70% of BustedHalo readers responding to our survey said that they have had premarital sex--and 54% say they believe that it was a sin. It's time to talk about it.

July 7, 2005
The Nine Secrets of Self-Help Books: A Cautionary Tale for Your Summer Reading
Have you ever picked up a friend's self-help book and discovered a problem that you never knew you had? Ever been browsing in the self-help aisles and been pulled into a book about a girl who sounds just like you? Ever wondered if these self-help authors have professional credentials and practice what they preach? If you are one of the 125 million Americans who have purchased a self-help book, you should be aware that, though many of these books can provide helpful tools for personal--even spiritual--growth, they generally rely on a few simple formulas. Summer is here and as you head down to the beach armed with "The Purpose Driven Life," "He's Just Not That Into You" or Dr. Phil's latest advice books, here are nine tips to uncover the secret formula of self-help books so you can seek out good advice, spare yourself the hype and be a more sophisticated reader.

June 27, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Why Girls Watch Sex & the City: It's Not Just the Shoes, Boys...
Last summer, my boyfriend broke up with me. It was one of those almost-perfect relationships where you are well matched in everything, but there's just no spark. Immediately I sent out an email to a dozen girlfriends titled "Emergency Girls Drinks." I'd been dumped, I said, and I needed some support. These were 12 busy women -- junior ambassadors, business executives and new mothers -- but they all cancelled their plans to meet me at a local bar. One ordered champagne to toast to my freedom. Another listed all the reasons why I was too fabulous for him anyway. And by the end of the night I was laughing, not crying. Now that Sex and the City is on basic cable, the dating traumas, frank discussions and shopping sprees of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha are bared -- with very little editing for language and nudity -- for all of us to see. Sure, the show doesn't reflect our real lives, but most girls I know enjoy watching it. Why? It's not for the reasons you guys might think.

June 13, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: If It's This Difficult, Can It Really Be Love?
Over dinner recently, a close friend told me she was second-guessing her three-year relationship. While she and her boyfriend were very committed to each other, they had been living in different countries for the last year. Through her new church, she'd made many friends -- and met a few new guys. "I love my boyfriend, but it's been so long since we've been together that I'm not sure if it's right anymore," she confessed over dinner recently. "We are really struggling. I keep asking myself: If it's this hard, can it really be love?" Those of us in our 20s and 30s will date for longer and get married later than our parents did. On average, we will date for two years before marriage (with fewer than 15% of young married couples taking their vows in less than a year), and will get married in our late 20s or early 30s. In contrast, more than 30% of married couples in our parents' generation got married after knowing each other for less than a year, and at an average age of 21 for women and 23 for men. That means there's more time for us to wonder: is this right? And where do you turn for the answers?

May 31, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: Public Displays of Affection
Among the many decisions a couple makes on their way to the altar, two choices are very public--and tell us a lot about changing social norms: Will she take his last name and will he wear a wedding ring?

May 16, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: First Impressions
Here's a trick to try out on your next date: During dinner, start playing with something on your side of the table like the salt shaker or the candle. After a little while, gently push it over to the other side of the table. Now watch what happens: If your date pushes it back to your side of the table, s/he's just not that into you. If they leave it, or play with it, it's called mirroring -- one of the many unconscious ways we display our interest in someone.

May 2, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: When Is the Right Time to Bring Up Religion in a Relationship?
Cindy and Peter met in January and they hit it off instantly. They were both into mystery novels and had long dinners debating politics. They started seeing each other twice or three times a week, had lots to talk about and great chemistry. And since they were both in their 30s, Cindy says things were moving pretty fast. About a month into the relationship, Peter invited Cindy to brunch on Sunday, and she said it would have to be a late brunch because she was doing a reading at the 11 a.m. Mass at her church. "He was shocked, and a whole big discussion came up," Cindy told me over coffee recently. "It turned out that he's not religious at all, and doesn't have much respect for people who are. We saw each other a couple more times, but things really cooled off after that -- for both of us. Next time I'm going to bring up my faith a lot earlier."

April 29, 2005
Pure Sex, Pure Love: BustedHalo's New Column on Dating, Relationships and Marriage
There are more than 4,000 dating and relationship self-help books in print. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus has sold 30 million copies worldwide. And last month, relationship guru Dr. Phil McGraw hosted a primetime special on CBS where he placed a hidden transmitter in some guy's ear and coached him through a date. Dating and relationships are tough--and apparently we're all looking for some advice. As young Catholics, we face our own set of challenges, but most relationship advice books, columns and TV shows won't come anywhere near issues of faith. So that's where I come in.

April 15, 2005
Spiral Bound Spirituality: Praying with a pen in my hand
The Ramona Quimby Diary was my first journal. I was seven, and helpfully it was fill-in-the-blanks. For most of 1985, I recorded my deepest thoughts and darkest secrets in that red, spiral-bound book: I never practiced piano like I was supposed to. I had a crush on a boy named David. And under the page titled "I guess I was kind of bad," I used the blank spaces to confess "that I should not have ... drawn on the wall of our apartment." I did it "because I was ... mad." And afterward "I was ... scared." I concluded that "it might have been better ... if I had done it in pencil." And that pretty much set the stage for the next two decades. I think in pen. My 32 handwritten journals are the unabridged, uncut, un-spell-checked Christine Show. It's the most sincere way I know how to pray.

February 1, 2005
Overqualified for Love? Why are high-achieving women at a disadvantage when looking for a spouse?
Emily is a tall 29-year-old blonde with great fashion sense who knows the bouncers at New York's hippest clubs. She graduated from an Ivy-League university with high honors in economics and went to a prestigious business school for her MBA. Now she's moving up the ranks at an investment bank. In her spare time, she's a painter, and hopes to launch her first gallery opening this year. She's beautiful, successful and has a full social life. She appears to be a woman who has everything. But her relationships just never work out. Men date her for a while, but then when things get serious, tell her she's just not the type they are looking for. And she doesn't see what she's possibly doing wrong. "If I were a man, I'd be a great catch. Why doesn't it work the other way?"

February 14, 2005
Battle of the Sexes: A SWANS Valentine's Day Tale
When I was 16 I memorized the sheet music for Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and gave my crush a concert on Valentine's Day. At 17, I broke up with my sorta-boyfriend on V-Day itself--I know, I'm awful. A few years later, my long-distance boyfriend sent me a "blue without you" teddy bear holding a heart for Valentine #21 and we exchanged tearful I-love-yous on the phone. And at 23, I baked heart-shaped brownies for my man of the moment, which he enjoyed, though asked why they were shaped funny. But all that was a while ago. It's been a few years since I've had any Valentine's Day drama. In fact, it's been a few years since I've heard much Valentine's Day chatter at all. So this year, I decided to stir the pot. I invited 75 people to my house for a Battle of the Sexes party Saturday night: champagne and chocolate vs. beer and peanuts.